This is part 4 of a 4 part series on Infertility and IVF in Alberta. Click on the titles to read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
Mothers Day. Those two words can cause such joy and such dread to women everywhere. The mothers feel like they are held up to an unrealistic expectation, noticing every flaw in their own parenting. In my church, all of the women are invited to stand and receive a Mother’s Day gift, usually a flower or a chocolate bar. While the intentions are good, this leaves the women who maybe struggling to have children feeling awkward, left out, or hurt.
These women feel like there is a spotlight on them, broadcasting their health issues and struggles for all to see, everyone wondering why they don’t have children. After all, they have been married for 8 (or 2 or 5) years. Like Valentines has become known to the unattached as Single Awareness Day, Mothers Day has turned into infertility awareness day.
In my years of struggling with not being a mom, I realized that motherhood is more than giving birth. Motherhood is about learning mothering traits. Concern for others, compassion, teaching, sacrifice, service, and nurturing are all qualities that make every woman a mother.
As a woman who has been on both sides of the awkward “Would The Mothers Please Stand” moment, I would like to wish every woman a happy Mother’s Day today.
I have mentioned earlier my own struggle to have children. I also wholeheartedly believe that as it is a medical issue, three rounds of single embyo transfer is not only the moral choice, but it means saving Alberta tax payers money. I am the prime example of the cost a high risk multiple pregnancy as well as micro preemature infants can cost the health care system.
You know I adore you, right? That moment – the would the mothers please stand moment is yet another example of how we single out people who are infertile and make them feel less than okay. It’s sad. As you know I am an adoptive parent – for me that moment was often – in the first year of my girl’s lives when people asked even at Gymboree play time – so let’s go around the circle and ask all about your birth experience. Huh? Really? So let’s just assume everyone is all the same and make everyone feel different and sad or less than the typical normal family. So how about instead of that we all just accept each other for all our various differences and support each other when we need help and make the world a better place and assume everyone has a difference of some sort that need not be pointed out or highlighted to make people feel bad. Let’s just work towards building stronger families for all the provinces, healthy families, good health care policy and smart planning for the future.
Its funny. People just ask really personal questions of people the don’t really know. I get asked all the time if my twins are “Natural”. To save a rant for another day, it drives me crazy that the person behind me in line can so easily ask me about personal health questions. And Natural? Yes, they are human. Thanks! I can’t imagine the other sticky situations you would get into besides your gymboree snoop. I need to be stronger and come up with a quick answer for when I am caught off guard.
Oh Brooke this is a great post. I know so many that have or are struggling with trying to conceive and I can only imagine what Mother’s Day feels like for them.
I’m actually really glad I came and read this. I did a Mother’s Day post on my blog talking about mom’s who no longer have their little ones for Mother’s Day but I completely neglected to send my love to the mom’s who are trying to hard to conceive. But I did share your exact sentiment that motherhood is not about giving birth.
Oh and I never in a million years would ask someone if their multiples were “natural”. Seriously. If it’s someone close to me I probably already know they have needed medical intervention, and if I don’t know it’s none of my business!
This is a really great post. This series has really made me think. I have not had trouble conceiving and I never really understood the pain, and sacrifice that other parents have to make to have a child. Thank you for talking so openly about this.
I never thought of Mother’s Day like that. You’re right, we should all be sensitive to the plight of others. It’s a topic that wasn’t on my radar, but thanks to you, I’m more aware of it.
Wonderful post, Brooke. I, like you, think we should celebrate all women. We also have to remember that we have no idea of the issues, pain, regrets, struggles, that other women have. If we all thought a bit more about that I think the world would be a better place.
Thanks Merry!
Great series Brooke. Very honest on a topic that most don’t want to talk about openly. You’re very brave and I admire your strength.